Financial Tips for the Childless: 8 Things You Can Do With the Money You Aren’t Spending on Children

1.) Invest — Now is a good time to diversify your portfolio, maybe even take a risk or two since you don’t have to worry about anyone but yourself. Might I suggest diapers. If my own bundle of joy is any indication, this will have incredible returns. In fact it feels like it’s “yielding dividends” right now. Put your money in diapers, I know I have.

2. ) Buy some new sheets — Since you’ll be spending all this time in bed, you will really get your money’s worth out of buying sheets that cost like a month’s worth of formula. You can luxuriate as long as you want, undisturbed by the sounds of what I can only describe as “banshees watching C-Span.” Now would be a great time to finally spring for that stupid Egyptian Cotton and 5 million thread count or whatever.

3.) Buy new furniture — You could put some money into getting brand new things for your home, maybe even some new carpet. You’ll really be able to appreciate the craftsmanship and comfort of fine furniture. Cushions that do not crunch. Carpet that doesn’t have a grain to it. Table legs that do not look like they were abandoned by a beaver unable to obtain permits.

4.) Charity — We all know the childless are selfish. (Kidding!) While I have my hands full with the ultimate act of altruism involved in creating a group of people that look like me, you can take this time to give back. You could write generous checks to Planned Parenthood, The Trevor Project, The Humane Society, Planned Parenthood, The Innocence Project, or even, Planned Parenthood.

5.) Go on a vacation — You could go unencumbered to anywhere in the world! Enjoy time with your partner or spouse! Stay in a nice hotel! Where you can probably actually sleep! Someone else has to worry about breakfast! You could go to Fiji, or Paris, or my personal recommendation: straight to hell. Michigan. Hell, Michigan, that is.

6.) Buy like 4 cars or something stupid — You could go ahead and build a fleet of Kia Souls for zero reasons. Or maybe a house, maybe a second house. Subscribe to 78 magazines. Build a moat, build a drawbridge for your moat. Buy a first edition set of Proust’s ‘The Remembrance of Things Past’, and a second for the bathroom.

7.) Start saving for that nursing home — It may be quiet now, but one day you’ll be old(er)! You won’t have any children to come over and take you to the doctor or mow the grass! You won’t have to make up excuses like those to get them to come visit because they won’t otherwise! You can take all that money in your diaper portfolio, sell off the Kia Souls, and move yourself into a really nice active retirement community!

8.) Burn it — It’s the same thing we’re doing except you’ll be warm.