Today, Saturday, we are hosting our first get together that involves more than one family at a single time. This will be the first since Covid and the first in our new house.
This group of people are primarily my wife’s friends. My friendships are few and tentative. Once upon a time I tried to charm my way into the group, but the necessity of winning over a group of people with whom I had very little in common quickly gave way to annoyance when I realized that my entire life was a daily audition for every single human being my wife (then girlfriend) had ever met in her entire life.
She descends from a homeschooled family who’s entire life was church and an endless litany of rules and regulations, some absurd even by Biblical standards. When she was able to flee that a bit, she assembled a group of mostly church kids who were, certainly not choir boys and girls, but most assuredly not the sort from which she came from.
When I began performing, and we will talk about that one day soon, we saw them less and less. Although it isn’t my fault, everyone is in their 30s and we were the only ones of the pack to decide that child rearing was not quite worth the trouble. This is what happens. People grow and their family becomes a focus and they see other people less.
However, it was assumed to be my fault. This lead, as you might imagine, to arguments. I am not totally without blame. I selfishly had found my tribe, treacherous as they were, and no longer felt the need to put an effort into people with whom I did not have much in common. When people you don’t know, or don’t know well, regularly approach you after shows and tell you how brilliant you are. You quickly forget how to make a social effort. “I am present, let the worship begin!”
After all, is it not incumbent upon the dull and uninteresting to tremble and revere great talent when it is in their midst? Is not the Sisyphean task of possessing God-given talent, and all the associated rage and pain and panic within enough that friends and acquaintances should just be joyous to be part of it? Taking in all of it. Staring wide-eyed, asking questions, flirting, and fawning. Is this too much to ask?
Their whole goal should be, to drink in your pain as well as the pleasure you exude. So one day they can tearfully take about your delicious inner turmoil on a documentary.
This is the circle of life.
I am a god and you must ascend Olympus.
As a result of this thinking, I alienated some people. This was wrong and unkind.
So anyway a smattering are coming over this Saturday and I hope I can find it within me to rectify past behavior by not acting like a putz.
A year of covid has lead to some difficult growth and I think I appreciate things and people more.
No longer a god, just a bodhisattva trying to find peace.
I’ll keep ya posted.
Take it easy, pally.